mid-fall

I want to write, but I have no idea what I want to say. (This happens to me rather more often than I’d like.) So, random bits of life, then.

We spent a shocking amount of today & last night playing with Legos. There’s something about it that is very relaxing and reassuring for both of us. Both of us spent many hours as children building castles, towns, and strange imaginary objects from Legos. It engages the creativity — inventiveness, searching for the right piece, imagining — and the hands at the same time, with the familiar feeling of the hard-edged blocks in my fingers.

This is the fall, then, edging gently towards winter. Lots of rain this last week. I haven’t been cycling, maybe twice this month. I have, however, been working out, mostly on the elliptical trainer in the exercise room at work. In the mornings, I can get my exercise while watching The Colbert Report, which is a nice incentive.

You know how some people have a high tolerance for drugs, alcohol, etc…it takes a lot for them to get the buzz? I find I’m that way with exercise. The mood-stabilizing effect that I need really only comes if I get at least an hour a day of whatever: walking, cycling, elliptical, anything aerobic. Now I know, at least. It’s good motivation to get up a little earlier in the morning, to take a break in the afternoon.

I’m still losing weight, about 34 pounds so far. Today I bought new jeans for the first time in several years, and in a size…I don’t know when I was a 14 last. They look good, too, or at least I think so, and C loves how they look.

In the last couple of weeks, I’ve had a sea change in how I visualize myself. It reminds me of sometime, I think it was last year, when in my head I just jumped one day from feeling mid-20s to feeling past 30. It was a good feeling. I felt settled in myself, comfortable in my own head somehow. I don’t know, I’m not explaining it very well. But all this time as people at work have gradually noticed my weight loss, I’ve felt different, mostly moving more easily, none of my clothes fitting right, but in my head I haven’t been any different. Now it’s changed, like a light switch.

I still have 10 more to go, and it’s coming on winter, which can be hard. (Harder to get exercise, more occasions for gluttony, and so dark.) But I’m still optimistic, most of the time.

Huh. Me optimistic. That’s nice. I like that. 🙂 This whole process, even though I’ve been totally obsessive about it, has been great for my mental health. This is something I did for myself, by myself. (C. has been supportive, of course, but the day-to-day choices are all me.) It gives me reassurance that I can change, and so often my depressions have come from a place of feeling entirely trapped in a particular frame of mind or situation or experience. The whole “if I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere” thing.

I should probably go to bed.

Later this week we’re going on a short trip south, not all the way to LA, but to visit a friend who’s staying in the Gold Rush country, and some friends of hers and C’s who are having a party. It should be fun. I haven’t been in that area since I was 12 years old. So there may be a few days of quiet. Not that I post super-often here, but still.