never rains but it pours

I know I usually don’t write much about C, per his request, but I’m making an exception today because I need to spit all this out. (I’m also making an exception about posting at work; if I don’t get this out, I’ll be fscking useless all day, and I’ve already spent all week trying to catch up from my vacation.)

he has an enlarged lymph node in his neck that the ENT doctor wants to remove. it shouldn’t be a long-term danger, but they really aren’t sure. (IIRC, both scan & biopsy were inconclusive.)

surgery is scheduled for next week, with his pre-op appointment this morning. we got a packet of paperwork this week, with various destinations for the various bits and pieces.

in our house, paperwork is my particular bailiwick. I’m just good with forms: something related to my affinity for standardized testing, I think. so last night I sat down and filled out everything, including an online form, and then tried to figure out for sure what went where. (terse post-it note/stamp which might have been contradicted by the final instructions on the web form.)

so this morning he went *without* the form that turned out to be absolutely necessary before he could be seen by the doctor, which appointment is absolutely necessary before the surgery. and the next surgery appointment is at least six months out.

::sigh::

there was much angst on the cell phones, before he headed back to sit in the doctor’s office all day on the hopes that he’ll get an appointment at some time today.

damn. damn. damn.

I’m always so proud of my ability to handle paperwork, to fill out the stupid forms and get them where they need to be, when they need to be there. (income taxes? I fill them out every year, early.) and this time, when it really mattered, I flubbed something small, and the smallest thing mattered. a lot.

I keep thinking I should’ve just told him to bring it, just in case, and then if it hadn’t been needed, he would’ve just had an extra piece of paper with him. but it was early morning, and I was tired when he asked, and, and, and….

I have this picture of him on my desk that somebody took at Lance’s wedding; it’s a lovely semi-candid shot, but he has this almost-stern expression that sometimes unnerves me a little. (I’ve leavened it with one of his silly notes tucked into the corner: a smiley face that says “I LOVE YOU XXX” underneath.)

deep breath. pushing out the catastrophic thoughts that crowd around. I have to get through today. I will get through today. we will get through this together.

it just all feels like too much sometimes.

I’m staring at the post-it notes on my desk and they seem like things written by another person.

Of course, then I get a phone call, and I’m cool, composed and helful. What the hell kind of freak am I? I guess I’m the freak who’s good at paperwork but needs to get a little more fscking organized.

Or just calm the hell down.